100 things i'm not allowed to do in Middle Earth

[frodo baggins]

Just something I thought you guys might appreciate. Let me know which your favorite is. And yeah. Just figured they'd be fun to put up for people to read.

1. I will not give hobbits green hair and orange skin and call them "Oompa Loompas".
2. I will not swallow the Phial of Galadriel to see if it will shine inside my stomach.
3. I will not eat popcorn during dramatic moments.
4. I will not ask Saruman if a house fell on his sister.
5. I will not claim Sauron's Eye watches me while I'm showering.
6. The One Ring is not my bling.
7. I will not roast marshmallows in Mount Doom.
8. I will not shave Gandalf's beard...
9. ...Nor will I shave Legolas' head
10. I will not follow Gollum with an accordion and insist he must dance or else.
11. I will not make a tree house inside an Ent.
12. I will not wolf whistle when Aragorn and Arwen are making out, nor will I shout "GET SOME!"
13. I will not sing the Spider-pig song when in Shelob's lair.
14. I will not "poke" Sauron's flaming eye with a pitchfork.
15. I will not shout "GO, GO, POWER RANGERS!" before slipping on the One Ring.
16. I will not give a hobbit a pedicure.
17. Wormtongue will not be listed on the Middle-earth sexual predator list, no matter how creepy he is.
18. I will not send Gollum to rehab.
19. I will not deliver pizza to Isengard.
20. I will not refer to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli as the Powerpuff Girls.
21. After his defeat, Sauron did not get "served".
22. I will not put Gollum on a leash and refer to him as my hairless Shih Tzu named Cupcake.
23. Rohan is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy."
24. Gimli does not have "Gingervitis."
25. I will not play Tex Hold 'Em with Elrond and shout "USE THE FORESIGHT!"
26. I am not the reincarnation of Sauron.
27. While he is wearing the One Ring, I will not pour grapefruit juice on Frodo to see if he becomes visible.
28. Merry and Pippin do not represent the Lollipop Guild
29. I will not say Gollum is prejudiced against fat people.
30. I will not join my friends and dress as Sauron and his Nazgul for Halloween.
31. Sauron's problem is not that he needs a boyfriend.
32. I will not say Lembas is made of hobbit flesh.
33. I will not start a betting pool that Sauron is truly Aragorn's father.
34. I will not play chicken with the Oliphaunts.
35. Nazgul are of no relation to Dementors. Any resemblance is coincidental.
36. I will not search for Sauron's missing contact lens.
37. I will not attempt to defeat Orcs in a dance off.
38. I will not send bubble wrap to Sauron for his "therapy."
39. I will not have my own kingdom.
40. Gollum does not have Multiple Personality Disorder.
41. I must never toss a dwarf...and especially not from a catapult.
42. I will not compare Aragorn to Simba from The Lion King.
43. I will not sprint into Rivendell screaming, "Sauron! Sauron approaching!"
44. I will not wear onion rings on my fingers and proclaim them the Nine Rings of Men.
45. I will not have Eowyn and Arwen duel for Aragorn's hand in marriage.
46. I am not a wizard ninja sent by Sauron to kill the Fellowship.
47. I will not call Gandalf "Tim the Enchanter."
48. I will not dye hobbits blue and call them Smurfs.
49. I will not ask Sam if he likes green eggs and ham.
50. When using my sword I will not make lightsaber noises.
51. I will not exclaim "To infinity AND BEYOND!" when taking off on an eagle.
52. I will not ask Aragorn if he has killed Yogi yet.
53. I will not point at Denethor's falling body and sing, "It's Raining Men!"
54. I will not give Sam any Slim Fast.
55. I will not ask Elrond to teach me the Vulcan Nerve Pinch.
56. I am not a Princess of Heart, nor does the One Ring unlock Kingdom Hearts.
57. I will not call the Ghostbusters on the Dead Men of Dunharrow.
58. I will not refer to Frodo and Sam as the hobbit versions of Batman and Robin, and especially not the George Clooney version of Batman.
59. I will not intrude on conversations between Gollum and Smeagol with my own opinion.
60. I will not start a cooking show called Orc on a Spork, nor will I demonstrate how to stew hobbit.
61. I will not spread rumors that I must change Gandalf's adult diapers every day.
62. I will not ask Saruman if the size of his beard is compensating for something.
63. There is no open mike night in Rivendell.
64. I will not give elves socks and exclaim, "YOU'VE BEEN FREED!"
65. I will not say that Galadriel wears the pants in her and Celeborn's relationship.
66. I will not host a "manly" knitting party, nor will I invite Sauron.
67. I will not moon the Eye of Sauron.
68. I will not use Solid Snake's cardboard box to sneak into Mordor.
69. The Fellowship is not on a quest to capture every Pokemon.
70. When following Legolas, I will not repeat incessantly, "Hey! Look! Listen!", as he is very sensitive to that type of chatter.
71. I will not attempt to bake cookies inside Ents.
72. Jumping off the battlements is not allowed.
73. "Fellowship-ism" is not a religion.
74. I will not insinuate incestuous relationships. Between anyone.
75. Dying the Elves' hair bright purple is… inadvisable.
76. If I want to live to see the year out, I will not tease the dwarves.
77. Legolas is not to be nicknamed "Leggie".
78. Or to be told "the fangirls are coming".
79. I will not graffiti the White Tree.
80. I will not dress up as a Nazgûl just to annoy/scare people. I might just lose my head.
81. I will not say that Saruman needs to clip his nails.
82. I will not build a fire in Fangorn Forest.
83. I will never stand between a Hobbit and mushrooms.
84. I will not haunt Eowen's footsteps while Eomer is around.
85. I will not play tag with Ring-Wraiths on Weathertop.
86. I will not call the Blade that Was Broken a piece of junk.
87. I will not be a Fool of a Took.
88. I will not make dirty jokes about Boromir's "horn of Gondor".
89. I will not call Gandalf by the names Dumbledore or Merlin.
90. I am not allowed to whistle when Aragorn and Arwen are making out
91. I am not allowed to call my girlfriend/boyfriend "my precious".
92. I am not allowed to ask you what is in my pocket.
93. While in the "Dead Marshes" I am not allowed to follow the lights.
94. I am not allowed to show up at the council with a herring to offer in service to Frodo.
95. The phial of Galadriel is not a fun rave toy.
96. I am not allowed to ask Gimli where I can find Snow White.
97. I will not ask the wizards if they've ever trained a wierd, nerdy-looking boy with a strange birthmark on his forehead.
98. I'm not allowed to go lava sledding down Mount Doom.
99. I will not claim Sauron's Eye watches me while I'm showering.
100. I will not give Legolas a mirror for Christmas.

And tada! Done! Let me know which are your favorites. xD Also, an amusing idea I just came up with, threading some of these things. Not in an actual thread, but more like a thing in this board, since obviously some of these are farfetched in Middle Earth. But it'd be kind of fun.