|
Post by frodo baggins on Mar 16, 2012 20:59:25 GMT -5
Just something I thought you guys might appreciate. Let me know which your favorite is. And yeah. Just figured they'd be fun to put up for people to read.
1. I will not give hobbits green hair and orange skin and call them "Oompa Loompas". 2. I will not swallow the Phial of Galadriel to see if it will shine inside my stomach. 3. I will not eat popcorn during dramatic moments. 4. I will not ask Saruman if a house fell on his sister. 5. I will not claim Sauron's Eye watches me while I'm showering. 6. The One Ring is not my bling. 7. I will not roast marshmallows in Mount Doom. 8. I will not shave Gandalf's beard... 9. ...Nor will I shave Legolas' head 10. I will not follow Gollum with an accordion and insist he must dance or else. 11. I will not make a tree house inside an Ent. 12. I will not wolf whistle when Aragorn and Arwen are making out, nor will I shout "GET SOME!" 13. I will not sing the Spider-pig song when in Shelob's lair. 14. I will not "poke" Sauron's flaming eye with a pitchfork. 15. I will not shout "GO, GO, POWER RANGERS!" before slipping on the One Ring. 16. I will not give a hobbit a pedicure. 17. Wormtongue will not be listed on the Middle-earth sexual predator list, no matter how creepy he is. 18. I will not send Gollum to rehab. 19. I will not deliver pizza to Isengard. 20. I will not refer to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli as the Powerpuff Girls. 21. After his defeat, Sauron did not get "served". 22. I will not put Gollum on a leash and refer to him as my hairless Shih Tzu named Cupcake. 23. Rohan is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy." 24. Gimli does not have "Gingervitis." 25. I will not play Tex Hold 'Em with Elrond and shout "USE THE FORESIGHT!" 26. I am not the reincarnation of Sauron. 27. While he is wearing the One Ring, I will not pour grapefruit juice on Frodo to see if he becomes visible. 28. Merry and Pippin do not represent the Lollipop Guild 29. I will not say Gollum is prejudiced against fat people. 30. I will not join my friends and dress as Sauron and his Nazgul for Halloween. 31. Sauron's problem is not that he needs a boyfriend. 32. I will not say Lembas is made of hobbit flesh. 33. I will not start a betting pool that Sauron is truly Aragorn's father. 34. I will not play chicken with the Oliphaunts. 35. Nazgul are of no relation to Dementors. Any resemblance is coincidental. 36. I will not search for Sauron's missing contact lens. 37. I will not attempt to defeat Orcs in a dance off. 38. I will not send bubble wrap to Sauron for his "therapy." 39. I will not have my own kingdom. 40. Gollum does not have Multiple Personality Disorder. 41. I must never toss a dwarf...and especially not from a catapult. 42. I will not compare Aragorn to Simba from The Lion King. 43. I will not sprint into Rivendell screaming, "Sauron! Sauron approaching!" 44. I will not wear onion rings on my fingers and proclaim them the Nine Rings of Men. 45. I will not have Eowyn and Arwen duel for Aragorn's hand in marriage. 46. I am not a wizard ninja sent by Sauron to kill the Fellowship. 47. I will not call Gandalf "Tim the Enchanter." 48. I will not dye hobbits blue and call them Smurfs. 49. I will not ask Sam if he likes green eggs and ham. 50. When using my sword I will not make lightsaber noises. 51. I will not exclaim "To infinity AND BEYOND!" when taking off on an eagle. 52. I will not ask Aragorn if he has killed Yogi yet. 53. I will not point at Denethor's falling body and sing, "It's Raining Men!" 54. I will not give Sam any Slim Fast. 55. I will not ask Elrond to teach me the Vulcan Nerve Pinch. 56. I am not a Princess of Heart, nor does the One Ring unlock Kingdom Hearts. 57. I will not call the Ghostbusters on the Dead Men of Dunharrow. 58. I will not refer to Frodo and Sam as the hobbit versions of Batman and Robin, and especially not the George Clooney version of Batman. 59. I will not intrude on conversations between Gollum and Smeagol with my own opinion. 60. I will not start a cooking show called Orc on a Spork, nor will I demonstrate how to stew hobbit. 61. I will not spread rumors that I must change Gandalf's adult diapers every day. 62. I will not ask Saruman if the size of his beard is compensating for something. 63. There is no open mike night in Rivendell. 64. I will not give elves socks and exclaim, "YOU'VE BEEN FREED!" 65. I will not say that Galadriel wears the pants in her and Celeborn's relationship. 66. I will not host a "manly" knitting party, nor will I invite Sauron. 67. I will not moon the Eye of Sauron. 68. I will not use Solid Snake's cardboard box to sneak into Mordor. 69. The Fellowship is not on a quest to capture every Pokemon. 70. When following Legolas, I will not repeat incessantly, "Hey! Look! Listen!", as he is very sensitive to that type of chatter. 71. I will not attempt to bake cookies inside Ents. 72. Jumping off the battlements is not allowed. 73. "Fellowship-ism" is not a religion. 74. I will not insinuate incestuous relationships. Between anyone. 75. Dying the Elves' hair bright purple is… inadvisable. 76. If I want to live to see the year out, I will not tease the dwarves. 77. Legolas is not to be nicknamed "Leggie". 78. Or to be told "the fangirls are coming". 79. I will not graffiti the White Tree. 80. I will not dress up as a Nazgûl just to annoy/scare people. I might just lose my head. 81. I will not say that Saruman needs to clip his nails. 82. I will not build a fire in Fangorn Forest. 83. I will never stand between a Hobbit and mushrooms. 84. I will not haunt Eowen's footsteps while Eomer is around. 85. I will not play tag with Ring-Wraiths on Weathertop. 86. I will not call the Blade that Was Broken a piece of junk. 87. I will not be a Fool of a Took. 88. I will not make dirty jokes about Boromir's "horn of Gondor". 89. I will not call Gandalf by the names Dumbledore or Merlin. 90. I am not allowed to whistle when Aragorn and Arwen are making out 91. I am not allowed to call my girlfriend/boyfriend "my precious". 92. I am not allowed to ask you what is in my pocket. 93. While in the "Dead Marshes" I am not allowed to follow the lights. 94. I am not allowed to show up at the council with a herring to offer in service to Frodo. 95. The phial of Galadriel is not a fun rave toy. 96. I am not allowed to ask Gimli where I can find Snow White. 97. I will not ask the wizards if they've ever trained a wierd, nerdy-looking boy with a strange birthmark on his forehead. 98. I'm not allowed to go lava sledding down Mount Doom. 99. I will not claim Sauron's Eye watches me while I'm showering. 100. I will not give Legolas a mirror for Christmas.
And tada! Done! Let me know which are your favorites. xD Also, an amusing idea I just came up with, threading some of these things. Not in an actual thread, but more like a thing in this board, since obviously some of these are farfetched in Middle Earth. But it'd be kind of fun.
|
|